I’ve made videos as a form of expression since I was 14 or so. The first things I made was a handful of videos POV style walking on a wooden fence in my townhouse complex with a video camera i stole from my little brother; there were 7 or 8 of one “Session” of walking on a fence because I had to stop and start them, and when i uploaded them, they were uploaded unedited and made up of 7 or 8 videos because I could not edit or pause the recording. They were posted on youtube as “the fence walking chronicles”. I’m 99% sure that these videos have been long deleted, and i’m only not 100% because I don’t remember specifically deleting them and i’m a sucker for accuracy.
Seems a weird intro, but this brief anecdote, to me, kind of encapsulates what my core philosophy is as someone who makes videos and the birth, life and death cycle they go through - some weird idea I have and feel inspired to create, I post it because I have created it and need it to be somewhere, eventually the love I have for the idea fades after posting and I no longer wish for it to be seen, and it gets removed. For the better part of 16 years, this has always been the case, but the hidden part of that anecdote is also something i’ve noticed about all of my work, be it Fence Walking Chronicles, Cancerous Homo, ShogunAboveAllElse, Hugh G Lissm, Forrest Sowa or Queen - there is a personal piece put in all of it. That seems very silly, there is a personal touch to everything that is created, but for me, i’ve never viewed what i’m making as content, nor do i think about view counts or even the viewer - for me, it’s always been an expression of some level of creativity that i publish solely because that is part of the process that is fulfilling, sharing the work that you were inspired to create, not necessarily for attention but because you’re proud of it… but I also remember the words of a guy I watched when I was first starting making youtube videos. His name was John I think, he went by Effigia777 - one of those guys who would “debunk” internet troll videos with facts and logic. He said something tot he effect of his words, if written, are taken less seriously than they are in a video on youtube, because within the confines of this box, there is some level of gravity given while the written word can be skipped over and dismissed easier. It’s never been conscious, but I think that’s always stuck with me - if i have a perspective to share, it’s always had to be expressed in some form or fashion.
The youtube videos that people “Know” me for (and i use the word know very loosely, im under no delusion that i’m some kind of known figure lol) are my New Japan Pro Wrestling videos, which started with The Elite Epidemic into Jay White Change The World. Both of them, despite talking about things in a company I enjoyed, are still very personal videos - they are me expressing the way that I Feel and how that is impacted by wrestling, it isn’t a review of wrestling or criticism of wrestling - once again, this wasn’t conscious, but in hindsight, that’s what all of my videos have been, an expression of my own philosophies and perspectives and biases and politics through the lens of a thing that I watch. Sometimes this is incredibly obvious - the video i’m perhaps most proud of that is not made about Ring of Honor or Kazushi Sakuraba is my video about Sareee going to the WWE, and the philosophy about selfishness and boundaries and how the world of production and entertainment keeps on moving healthily, and it’s because it is just me talking about my perspectives on culture and the world and how systems work rather than just talking about wrestling. I’ve come to realize that these videos, while I made them to be about wrestling, are extremely personal - it’s why i’ve never been good at consistently making reviews or previews or stuff like that - i’ve done some of those but they are exceedingly rare.
All of that is preamble to what I actually wanted to talk about - Where did my stuff go, and why do I delete them so frequently. The answer to that is pretty simple - I get emotional sometimes and, in that emotional state, I don’t want to be perceived, and while that’s pretty easy to do personally, there exists this world of videos that i’ve made that aren’t just content in my head, but extensions of myself, so I delete and private stuff because i don’t want people to see them in that moment. Recently, I was very upset and deleted everything and blacked out the channel - i’ve considered doing this about a dozen times over hte last year or so because I loathe my online presence at times, but what prevented me was the love I had for my Sakuraba video - I figured if i deleted everything and kept that, that’d be stupid, so i kept it… then this happened, and I accidentally deleted the sakuraba video, and thought “aw man, well, no reason to keep this stuff”. I will likely reupload it at some point because I am very proud of it and I do think it’s an incredible video, but i’m not in a rush.
As for the future of me making things… that’s a little more complicated. For the past 3 years, i’ve struggled with motivation - for some months, i’m extremely inspired, I want to make content, I want to stream, I want to do podcasts, and then others, I want to enjoy my quiet time, and for the past 3 years, whenever i’ve enjoyed my quiet time, I get this itch to be creative, and when that itch arrives, suddenly my quiet time turns into guilt that i’m not making things, or doing everything I can be to be bigger. This has manifested itself in an aimless jealousy towards anybody who posts things and gets praise - i’ve long had to come to terms with Joseph Montecillo being much more popular than me - and a general sense of negativity towards not making things. I’ve tried to remind myself that this is self imposed and that these thoughts are just thoughts and nobody is actually pressuring me to make things, but it’s hard to accept and let that acceptance wash away the feelings of being hard on myself.
I don’t think i’ll ever stop wanting to make things and sharing my thoughts and opinions… but I think that I also have to admit to myself that the fire I had at 19, at 22, at 25, doesn’t exist anymore. I’m happy where i’m at, I am far more able to enjoy silence and my loved one’s company, and the incessant need to create to satisfy some need in me to be heard has given way to, i don’t know, some level of personal and interpersonal fulfillment. I think that I have to accept and acknowledge that maybe the future of my creative works will have to be in writing - I love writing, and it’s the medium i’ve always been the most proud of in my work, something that, for me, is always evident in how minimal my video editing is, and how everything I make could work just fine as an audio experience. ‘The writing is the part of a video that is expressive, it’s my thoughts given shape… the video was for publication and for a semblance of gravity, but I Don’t think I need that anymore.
I’ve promised a lot of things content wise, so i’m not going to promise I’m going to keep a blog going regularly, but I think that this would be my future if I wanted to continue making things - it’s where I drew the most enjoyment in the Phoenix project, it’s where I can put the most effort in without frustration; it’s where i’m happiest.
As for the Phoenix project, I will be publishing those scripts on the Lonely Hero blog, because i am very proud of them, but they won’t be made into videos. The part of the work on them that I enjoy is done; if someone wants to make them into videos, feel free - steal my scripts and get free MMA nerd clout, I don’t care.
Sorry for the disappearing act - it will happen again, but I hope that’s okay.
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