Super Smash Brothers Melee is one of the most technical fighting games in the Genre’s History. With an infinite amount of ways to influence gameplay, the adherence to a hard and fast tier list is laughable; what makes you choose a character in Melee isn’t how high it is on a viability tier list, but instead, what speaks to you as a gamer… but what speaks to all of as gamers is the desire to talk shit. Melee might be a 20 year olds children’s party game to most, but to its ardent supporters, it is also known as one of the most BM games of all time, with each character having a unique Taunt ready to be pulled whenever you gimp your opponent, get a big kill confirm, or even if you’re just feeling spicy. So what I present to you is the only tier list that truly defines Super Smash Brothers Melee - a ranking of the taunts based on how toxic they are.
We start with the lowest rung on the ladder, the idle animations. These are the worst taunts in the game because taunting should be visible and noticeable; i should never wonder if you taunted, it should be so visible from frame 1. We start with the worst taunt int he game; Zelda. Zelda has a lot of really goofy ways to kill, but if the Zelda player did this goofy inoffensive taunt, I don’t think i’d even be mad. What makes this the worst taunt is that if you aren’t looking, you might not even notice a taunt; Almost no motion, no sound out of the ordinary, you’re basically just playing an idle animation. Playing Zelda by itself is BM and toxic, but her taunt is not included in this deal. Next up is Zelda’s good friend Link - I had to look up what Link’s taunt was because I can’t even envision it, and it turns out there’s a reason for that. Link literally just stands there and wipes his forehead… that’s it. It’s perhaps the most boring taunt in the game that can actually register as a taunt; it still gives idle animation energy, but at least you can see that Link is moving. Zelda and Link deserve each other, they are the most boring ass white couple there has ever been, and if nothing else, i am glad that they are happy together and not contributing to the toxicity of online gaming.
The next tier are the inoffensive. These are taunts that, while contextually they could be infuriating, if you saw these being done after just an errant kill, your blood almost certainly won’t boil. We start with Zelda’s alter ego, Sheik. Sheik’s taunt is dog water, it is by far the worst taunt from a high tier character, and that’s because it’s still Zelda’s boring white self trying to taunt, but there is a little grunt and a little more stank on the prayer hands. That stank keeps it from idle animation, but it’s not a very noteworthy taunt. Next up is Samus, and oh man is Samus a huge step up from the Zelda protagonists. Samus is a pretty lame taunt, just a little pose accompanied by a little sound. If we consider the taunt with the character, then Samus would rocket up the tier list because playing slow, boring neutral with a Samus only to get killed by Nair and then they whip out this bum ass taunt, i’d have to fight. On its own, the taunt isn’t super offensive, but it is noticeably more toxic than who came before. Next up is Mewtwo, and the biggest thing holding back Mewtwo is that it’s slow, not spammable, and it’s not very flamboyant. Mewtwo’s float means that he just kind of spins in a circle, making his taunt look like an animation glitch more than a taunt, but what pulls it above Samus is that it’s length and accompanying laugh are just rotten to core. If Mewtwo would breakdance or something, that laugh would be seared into the brains of good honest people everywhere.
Next up is the “Meh” Tier - These are all fine taunts, you’re not inviting someone to strike you but there are much more rude taunts. Bowser is the lowest of the meh taunts; it’s just a roar, and you know what, if a Bowser has a chance to taunt, they’ve earned it, let Bowser taunt. Dr Mario throws a pill, it’s inoffensive, but a little cocky, i’ll allow it. Next is Luigi - This is a message to you Luigi mains. You use down b every time you take a stock. Every single Luigi main does this. Your veiled toxicity is transparent; i see right through it. Every time i lose a stock to a luigi, like clockwork, the down b comes out and im forced to hear that taunting YAHOO. Huh? What? Down B is not Luigi’s taunt? Oh, okay, well, Luigi’s actual taunt is pretty rude as well, just a bashfull little kick. Also, contextually,t he most BM Taunt in the game, because it’s the only taunt with a hitbox, so you can edgeguard with it. It’s probably the most rude thing you can do in Melee, but on its own, it’s still a pretty fucked up taunt. Next in Meh tier is Roy - Roy’s taunt is, fine. It’s a big gesture, has a little grunt, has a little bit of stank on it, iif Roy did his reverse up B to kill and then taunted, i’d think that the taunter was a little bitch, but i think that’s also just getting taunted by a low tier. Better than Roy is Marth - Marth’s taunt, in a vacuum, is just shy of being toxic. It’s long, has a lot of movement so it’s unmistakeable as a taunt, it’s got a notable sound clip of Marth probably calling you a slur in another language. Marth’s taunt is fucked up, but relative to the rest, it’s at the tippy top of Meh tier. Everything after Marth is outright rude, if not aggressively toxic, so Marth skates by in the last respectable place he can be.
The Rude tier just has Ganondorf. Ganon’s taunt is like Mewtwo’s with more motion, a scumbag laugh and so much piss and vinegar. While Ganon Tier is the only thing that separates the Toxic tier and Meh tier, the jump in toxicity is pretty dramatic, which leaves Ganon’s spin laugh as the gatekeeper to true villainy. Poor Ganon players, even on the BM Tier List, Ganon can’t escape being a gatekeeping mid tier.
Okay, now we are in the thick of it, the toxic AF tier. In any context, these taunts can be used and will almost certainly tilt an unexpecting party. The least toxic of the toxic tier is Falco. Falco’s taunt is so fucked, even separated from his gameplay. Just so i’m clear; this is a Fuck Falco zone, so if Falco’s taunt was paired with his bitch gameplay, he’d be #1 because i will fight any Falco main in real life. As far as his taunt, it’s really good as an outright TAUNT - Falco spins, poses and has this smug little bitch laugh, belitting you for thinking of challenging his dumb cunt lasers and dumb cunt shine and dumb cunt down air. Look at me, i’m falco, i’m so cool - fuck off… and after Falco is Pichu. Pichu’s taunt is attached to the most reprehensible little character who, thankfully, sucks ass, because if Pichu was good, this little spammable flail would be so toxic and rude. Shout out to Pichu’s crouch by hte way, which is an underrated taunt in its own right. It doesn’t come with a sound, but if you crouch as Pichu, he falls asleep, and imagine you chaingrab a Fox on FD to death and then as they die you just schkleep? Evil stuff. What’s more evil? Ice Climbers. Icies taunt is so fucked that if you just leave Nana alone, she’ll taunt after a kill all by herself. She is a toxic woman and we should not support her. Noteworthy little sound, little salute with the hammers, can be doubled up, IC’s taunt is so toxic… but not as Toxic as Ness. Ness, in my opinion, has a top 3 most spammable taunt in the game. It’s an evil, soul crushing “Okay” over and over and over again, it worms its way into you as this stupid double jumping mid tier does his stupid mid tier moves, and you know if you get gimped by down tilt or back throw, you’re getting hit with at least 3 “Okay”. Ness is fucked, and anybody who plays Ness has evil in their soul. What follows Ness is Young Link, the longest taunt in the game. Breaking the mold of Zelda protagonists, this little shit has taken a break from fighting to pull out some milk, take a deep swig and then wipe his mouth; young link mains are so unthreatened by your offense that they are taking a hydration break and then cleaning up. This might deserve to be higher, I don’t know, Young Link’s taunt is so fucked. I couldn’t decide who was more fucked for the next placement, so i’ll put them together - Pikachu and Yoshi. Why do Pikachu and Yoshi have such a fucked up taunt? These are two of the most wholesome characters, and they turn towards the screen to specifically taunt you, the player. They wave, say their names, we know your names! You’re pikachu and yoshi! The world’s pets! Pikachu is probably more fucked because Pikachu can interrupt his taunt to cuck you, and that’s extra messed up, so you know what, scratch the joint placement, Pikachu is fucked up. And then, the peak of the Toxic tier, the apex of toxicity… Captain Falcon. Captain Falcon has taunts built into his character as he announces his moves, so BM runs in Doug’s veins, but his taunt is a snappy little “Show me ya moves”, and there is no way around how toxic and rude this taunt is. IT’s spammable, the fastest taunt being possessed by a high tier in Melee, so you can squeez in 2 or 3 before the situation resets if you’re good enough. It registers as rude, it’s a clear and discernable fuck you in every way you can interpret. Captain Falcon’s taunt is a potent and hateful crime against decent and honest people, and anybody who uses it does not care about their peers… But it’s just a hair shy from the top of the mountain; the creme de la creme.
This tier of taunts is beyond Toxic; This tier is a list of taunts that, if you get hit with them, it should be an immediate fight. These are the most disrespectful things you can do in the game of super smash brothers melee. We start with Peach, innocent princess peach you think, well don’t trust it, because Peach is fucked. I am partial to call any taunt where they turn towards the screen toxic, but Peach’s scummy little pirouette, wink and proclamation of “SWEET” chills me to the core. This taunt is so rude and more Peach mains should be forced to fight. Next up is Fox; Fox’s might be the most aggressive outright taunt in the game, dropping into a deep squat to gesture forward and scream “COME ON”, as if your attempts at fighting him and his silly hexagon are futile. Props to him for not doing it to the screen at least, but this taunt might be hurt by its prevalence - i’ve seen Fox taunts in high end melee as well as netplay shitters, Fox’s taunt has flooded the market and drove down its value, and even still, it’s in the on sight tier. You know who doesn’t get enough shit for her taunt is Jigglypuff. Puff’s taunt is basically Peach’s, where she spins, turns toward the camera, winks and lets out a sharp “JIGGLYPUFF”, but that piss being condensed into a tiny ball, so you can’t miss the Wink is messed up. Puff is the most vile of all the high tiers in the game, the rest come from low tiers, and not just because they are specifically low tiers and the act of being taunted by them cuts deeper, but because low tiers just have that sauce in their taunt.
Like that big stupid monkey Donkey Kong - Donkey Kong’s taunt is one fot he most spammable, he looks at the screen, has such a good sound to it, he shrugs, he’s asking why you’re so fucking stupid and also why you haven’t punched the person controlling him. You should do it next time, idiot. Kirby’s taunt is almost entirely in its sound, that bonechilling “HIIIIIII” can be mashed over and over and over and over, it is absolutely an invitation to throw hands. The only things that could be above a Kirby taunt are ones that are more spammable, or just outright evil. The second most toxic taunt in Melee belongs to its most spammable, Mr Game and Watch. Holy shit is Game and Watch’s taunt fucked; it is so piercing and shrill, you can easily get out 3 or 4 as someone respawns, you can probably get in 1 before going to edge guard, it’s so short, it’s so loud, it isn’t the worst purely by itself, but Game and Watch’s taunt is death by 1000 cuts - you can’t judge it based on one, but judge it based on the 40 per game you’ll get against a toxic GAme and Watch… but all of that pales in comparison to Mario. Super Mario, the most recognizable mascot in Video games, undoubtedly a favorite character for casual fans of Smash, was given the most fucked up, evil, rude taunt in Melee. It’s not spammable, it’s long, it’s not got a lot of motion, he doesn’t turn towards the screen, he is missing everything that i have mentioned is toxic, but when you strip everything away, he has the simplicity of Getting Big On Em. To Get Big On Em is to look to your opponent at the Gamecube and tell him that he is a piece of fucking shit who just got humiliated by a guy playing mario. Maybe he fair’d you into hell, fell back on stage, and got big on you. Maybe he caped your Firefox recovery and got big on you. Maybe he just nair’d you 6 times and got big on you. No matter what precedes it, a Mario player Getting Big On Em is the single most toxic thing in Super Smash Brothers Melee. Mango and HBox at Pound 4? Wholesome. Leffen talking to Swedish teenagers? Family Friendly. Everything is preferable to selecting Mario and proceeding to Get Big On Em.
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